Hands That Holds Her Illusion
by ShelFJ
Summary: Karasuma Ooji reflects on his days with Tsukamoto Tenma as he sat in his hospital bed. The tale that explores the in-depth mind of Karasuma Ooji and what the man was thinking behind his poker face and detachment. Based on chapter 273 of School Rumble. Karasuma/Tenma. Minor Harima/Tenma.


_**I do not own School Rumble, Jin Kobayashi did.**_

_**AN: Hello everyone, this is my first try in writing for School Rumble fandom. Been obsessed with Karasuma Ooji ever since SR starts. And how his endings leave the readers heart broken afterwards. This story actually centered around chapter 273, Far and Away. So, without further ado, enjoy my first SR story!**_

**"****Even if you know that I'm hurt… Even if you're scared, please, don't hide from me."**

Never once did Karasuma Ooji thought that this kind of thing will happen to him.

It started when he was 14. He slowly forgot where he put his school books and where he left his shoes. But he thought that it's just a common occurrence. After all, people forgot things like that from time to time.

Nothing could ever possibly wrong with him, right?

**"No matter how much he holds back, it floods and overflows."**

People question _her_ decision to love him from time to time. He knows how people will look at her seemingly useless effort to attract his attention with pity.

_"Sure, he's good looking, he's literally good at everything he does or is trying to do. But stil…"_

_ "Karasuma-kun never shows any emotions. I don't get why Tenma-chan would fall for a guy like that, she deserve better than that kind of guy!"_

But what those people never know is that he never meant to ignore her advances like that. He HAD to do it. For her own sake.

**"I'm the one that should be sorry! But now… I don't know what to say."**

He remembered the first time he got a two metered scroll that's Tsukamoto Tenma's love letter. (He knows for a fact that it's hers, even if she didn't sign the letter.)

And he'll never get over the happy smile that graced Tenma's face the moment she stepped inside the wonderful class of 2-C and saw him at the left corner of the back seat.

His heart felt light, knowing that he's the reason behind her smile. That he's easing her burden by begging his parents to let him stay in Japan for another year.

Right at that moment, he knew that sooner or later, the promise he'd made to himself's bound to be broken.

He's sorry that he can never return Tenma's love, despite his own feelings for her, but he doesn't have it in him to feel sorry that he actually falls in love with Tsukamoto Tenma.

Because it's the best thing that's ever happened to him and he had absolutely no words to describe his happiness.

"**I promised myself one thing. I promised myself that… I wouldn't fall in love with you."**

He knew, all along.

**"But… I couldn't keep that promise."**

The second spring lights up another feeling within the confines of his heart.

Most people saw _her _as a dense girl who can be a little annoying, loud and noise sometimes. And she can also be a little stupid.

But he knows for a fact that more than just one guy actually saw past her flaws and fell in love with her.

There's Harima Kenji, the tough guy who always chases her around, trying to confess his feelings, to no avail. Seeing how dense _she_ can be sometimes.

And there's the Nara boy.

And then there's Karasuma Ooji.

Karasuma sometimes finds himself feeling slighty (or if he's honest to himself, more than _slightly_) jealous of how Harima can pursue Tenma so freely, showering her with his attention full force, when all that he can do is watching her from afar. Doing all the wrong things, ignoring her and making her cry and sulk in more that one occasion.

More often than not, he wonders if Harima is truly the right guy for Tenma.

And finds himself answering that question with the same answer over and over again.

'Harima Kenji might be the right guy for Tenma, but you know that you love her just as much as he does, if not more. She loves you, and you love her back. That should be enough to make you the right guy for her.'

But, at the end of the day, he'll always shook his head no. He knows that he can't be selfish. He can't have her. He knows that she will suffer if he tied her up in a relationship with him.

He can't let her know that he's in love with her.

And so, he forced himself to be distant and cold. Detaching himself from a girl that he loved most.

'It's for her own good.'

**"One year, I asked God. I asked God to let me be free for just one year."**

The moment he and his parents know about his illness, he can't contain his tears to himself.

_"He will lose his ability to think and all traces of his memories will vanish. He'll lose all of his memories."_

He can't stop himself from crying. He can't stop himself from screaming the moment he got into his room. How could the universe be so unfair? How could they do this to him? How could they put him under this misery?

Why can't he live the rest of his life like a normal person?

Why?

**"Somehow, someway, I wanted to live my life without any regrets."**

The things he had with Tenma builds slowly from a scratch. From that 2 meters long scroll she called love letter (that she forgot to sign), up to the point where she confess her feelings to him in the walking festival.

He'd tried to push her away. He swore he did. He dodges her each time she's trying to chase him (like that moment when she chases him with her bike, followed by Harima who chases her with his own bike), He ran away (sometimes literally) from her when he knows that she's trying to utter her feelings to him, he pretended to be oblivious to her _extremely_ obvious love for him, and he dodged her question that one afternoon when she asked him if he prefers her over curry.

Of course he prefers Tenma over curry. But he kept that to himself.

And she ran away, bawling her eyes out.

He let her ran away, he let Harima Kenji chase after her while he make up a very lame excuse of having to buy a packed curry as a reason for not chasing after the crying girl.

He loved curry, but he loved Tenma more.

It's actually her persistence that torn his walls down.

She's the only girl who bothers to stick around and try her best to make him see her as she is.

And he slowly let his guard down, break his promise and making effort to let his love for her show, even if it's nothing like Harima Kenji's efforts.

He carries her on his back, walking home together with her after school, leaving his manga project (which he's planning to confess his feelings for Tenma through, and ended up being ruined by Harima Kenji) just to see her on her birthday, and lots of other things.

In the course of one year, He'd made so many new friends in 2-C, made so many memories with them.

He let himself falls irrevocably in love with Tsukamoto Tenma.

Making lots and lots of precious memories with her.

But he knows that the memories won't last. So does his feelings and his compassion towards his folks from 2-C.

Doesn't really matter though. He just wanted to live his life to the fullest. No regret.

He'll lose it all in the end anyway.

**"I love you…"**

The moment Harima Kenji hit him with his fist (and his words), he completely lost it.

_**"I love Tsukamoto-san!"**_

There, he said it. He said it to his number one rival. The only man who had an actual chance of stealing the love of his life away from him.

To his greatest surprise, Harima took everything surprisingly well, through their exchanged 'fists' they reach a greater understanding of one another then they've ever did before.

And before he knew it, he hailed a taxi to get him to the airport, bruised and bloodied. After that stunt Harima put and Tenma's confession earlier this morning he knows that things will get messy if he decided to stay longer. He let Tenma down by rejecting her, and he knows that Harima will always be there to pick up the pieces of Tenma's heart, that he'd successfully crushed.

Harima Kenji is the better guy for Tsukamoto Tenma after all.

And up in the air, in the middle of his flight to United States, he buried his face within his hands. A lone tear falls into the pale hands of Karasuma Ooji.

**"I love you more than anything in the world."**

It's been two days since he's been admitted to this hospital in New York. He collapsed in the kitchen two days ago. And somehow, deep within his heart, he knows that it'll only be a matter of time before his memories are taken away by his illness.

Imagine his surprise the moment Tenma Tsukamoto stepped inside his hospital room in her school uniform. Complete with the ever-present tiny, moving pigtails that he'd come to love so much.

_"Karasuma-kun, I'm here."_

He gaped in surprise.

_**"Tsukamoto-san, you've come all this way to America?"**_

_"Yes, well, I've heard about it Karasuma-kun, I've heard everything."_

He can't believe that she actually heard of his illness, let alone that she actually come all the way to America, all by herself. He sat on the bed. Motionless. Waiting for the girl to continue, and when she did, he can't stop himself from blurting his heart out.

_"Say anything. Say everything that's on your mind. I'll listen to whatever it is that you feel right now. Is that okay?"_, Tsukamoto Tenma slowly whispers. Karasuma knows for a fact that he'll never be happier than the way he is right now. He thought that he'll lose his memories without telling this girl what he felt about her. Then, sensing his own despair building up, he gather up his courage and begin to tell her.

_**"There are so many things, first, thank you. To everyone, to everything, to you…"**_ He began his speech, _**"There are so many beautiful things in this world. So many. And I'm grateful for all of them."**_

He spaced out for a moment, he begin to think what his life's going to be like once he loses his memories, he decided that now's not the time to think about such things, _**"My body, my senses, they're so light. Everything feels so faint, but…"**_ He recalls the day where his illness trapped him from enjoying his own life, _**"The weight of living is all that I'm feeling. I can feel it so clearly… Heavy… Heavy. Living is so heavy."**_

He stopped for awhile to look at the sky from his hospital windows, _**"I'm not angry."**_ He says, _**"I feel so alone. But there's nothing that I could do."**_ Recalling his days before Tenma never cease to make him lonely, _**"'I'll struggle, I'll think.' I thought to myself. I decided to have every bit of myself struggle forward without any regrets."**_

Thinking about the time he has left, and the time he'd spent with his classmates and _this girl_, one year that changes his life forever. _**"One year, I asked God. I asked God to let me be free for one year. Somehow, someway, I wanted to live my life without any regret. Just one year… I decided that, after that one year's passed, I'll lose all those thoughts and ideas. And memories."**_

And then he went silent for a moment, contemplating whether or not he should spill the next part to her. His heart won and he went on with his confession, _**"But I promised myself one thing. I promise myself that I wouldn't let myself fall in love with you…"**_

He looked down on his bed, _**"But I couldn't keep that promise, it's what I've decided, but I couldn't do it!"**_

He grasp his bed sheet, tears threatening to spill from his glossy eyes, _**"Tsukamoto-san, I love you… I love you more than anything in the world!"**_

__No matter how much he holds back, it floods and overflows, _**"I love your smile, it brings me the happiest moment in my life. I love the way you talk, it echoes from the bottom of my heart. I love the way you cry, it makes me want to protect you so much more… I love the way you sulk, it makes me notice my mistakes-"**_

_** "-There's no one that I feel even more connected to in this world, no one…"**_

He look up to her, fat tears beginning to spill from the corner of his eyes, _**"You might be a bit careless, and sometimes, a bit selfish, but… with all of these traits together, I love you."**_ His voice rising with each sentence, _**"You're completely pure, that's everything I think about you."**_

He reach out his right hand, reaching out to touch her, calling her out, pleading her to come silently, _**"Even if you know that I'm hurt, even if you're scared, please… don't hide from me. Please believe in me through it all, it'll put me at ease…"**_

With renewed tears falling down his cheeks, he reached out to her for the final time, _**"I love you… I love you… I love you… I love you… let me touch you, let me feel your touch…"**_ and for the very last time, he whispers, _**"Please, save me…"**_

Karasuma Ooji will never realize that the one he's been talking to in his hospital room is nothing more than his illusion of Tsukamoto Tenma.

_**From cloudy eyes, came an illusion. From the tears that leaked from his eyes came sincerity only he knows about.**_

_**So, there you go, my first School Rumble story. Tell me what you think about this! I'm planning to do another oneshot picturing chapter 274 from Tenma's point of view, and then another one of chapter 275. And a Harima – Eri one. Or Harima – Yakumo. But anyway, tell me what you think with this one, kay! Thank you and toodles! S.**_


End file.
